Character Profile
“Snidely Whiplash”

Real Name: Snidely Whiplash
Sex: Male
Occupation: Arch Villain
Home: Canada
Education: Schoolhouse Rock
Tag Line: Oh curses, foiled again!
Biography: Will Canada ever be safe? How many damsels can you tie onto a train track? In a great parody of silent films, Snidely took enjoyment by tying ladies (mainly Nell) to railways and let them sit. Luckily his plans were always foiled by some way or another by the good-doer, Dudley Do-Right. Snidely Whiplash: enemy to Canada, or just a guy with a weird fetish?

OMIGOD!  If that doesn’t sound like Myron Rosner, the former mayor of North Miami Beach, right down to his Canadian roots, I don’t know what would.

In case you’re wondering if Myron has left town, fear not.  He’s still up to his smarmy, despicable ways.  I’m told Myron’s been keeping his grubby little fingers busy by rummaging through records at the Building Department trying to find dirt – any dirt – on his many, many enemies.  Apparently, he still can’t accept the fact that he was humiliated out of office last May by an electorate made up of voters who were tired of being the laughing stock of the county.

Myron was obviously under the illusion that he was narrowly elected as mayor in 2009 because the residents actually believed he would be good at the job.  The sad truth that Myron can’t face is that just enough ballots were needed in his favor in order to vote his predecessor out.  Not because they wanted Myron in.  The sadder truth is that many of those who did choose Myron over former Mayor Ray Marin ended up wishing they could take their vote back.

Under Myron’s watch, the City of North Miami Beach (to put it bluntly), went to hell in a hand basket.  By the time his two year stint as Idiot In Chief ended, the citizens of our fair city had had more than enough of Myron’s despicable ways.  When George Vallejo was elected as Mayor, the collective sigh of relief was nearly as loud as the whoop of cheers heard all over the city and beyond.  The sound of joy that filled the air in North Miami Beach that night still rings in my ears.

Like his fellow Canadian, Snidley Whiplash, Myron isn’t happy unless he’s making someone else miserable.  A public records request made to the Clerk’s office asking why Myron’s been snooping around City Hall yielded some not so surprising results.  The Clerk wrote back:

The following is a list of the most recent records requests submitted by Mr. Myron Rosner:

1.       A copy of the method of payment used to pay the most recent water bill for property located at [residential address] –  11/16/11

No cost. Copy transmitted via email from Finance Department to Clerk’s Office and from Clerk’s Office to Mr. Rosner.

2.       List of all plans and locations specifically signed by Steve Pizzillo for approvals outside of Building which include Zoning, Plumbing, Mechanical, and Electrical during his employ. – 12/6/11

Cost $112.00.

3.       Plans, permits, permit applications, inspection records, violations, variances, for retail storefront signage.  – 12/22/11   (in process)

4.       Copy of all emails to and from City Manager Lyndon L. Bonner and Mayor George Vallejo since they started to now.  – 12/22/11  (in process)

5.       All variances and code violations for property located at [residential address] – 12/23/11  (in process)

In a follow up email, the Clerk wrote:

Okay, let’s break this down.

Request #1 was for the payment method of the water bill ON MY OWN RESIDENCE!  WTF?  Myron actually wanted to know HOW I paid my water bill!  I don’t know how Myron pays his water bill, but most people find it convenient to pay theirs using U.S. currency.  Hey, Myron!  What?  Did you think I used CANADIAN money?  I’m not sure what the cost of a photocopy set him back by, but Myron must have been shocked to learn that my water bill was paid by (drum roll, please) a check.  That was money well spent, eh, Snidley?  Curses!  Foiled Again!

Request #2 was for the purpose of trying to screw over the husband of Councilwoman Marlen Martell, who used to work for the City of North Miami Beach until Myron made his life miserable enough to quit his job for a far better one.  Despite the fact that Steve Pizzillo was cleared of all the bogus charges Myron tried to file against him, and despite the fact that Myron tried to get Steve fired from his current job, he still can’t find a way to “get even” with Steve for the imaginary crimes Myron’s warped mind believes he committed.  Curses!  Foiled Again!

Request #3 is an obvious attempt by Myron to find any and all code violations in the entire City of North Miami Beach with the sole purpose of his trying to defend the fact that he has thousands and thousands of dollars’ worth of code violations on his own personal residential property.  His defense won’t work.  But, that doesn’t keep Myron from plodding on in this futile venture.  Curses!  Foiled Again!

Request #4 is an obvious attempt to try to get even with the man who won the election.  I’m not exactly sure what he’s expecting to find, but I imagine he’s simply trying to dig up something – anything – to use in case he’s stupid enough to try to run for office in NMB again.  People who are corrupt and evil automatically assume that everyone else is just as corrupt and evil as they are.  Schmucks like Myron, who use positions of power to abuse the office to which they’re elected, just can’t imagine that other public officials might be honest and above board.  He is obviously just so jealous of George Vallejo (as well he should be) that he’ll stop at nothing to try to bring George down.  Psst, Myron … Happy hunting, LOSER.  When you’re finished with your insane obsession with George, hopefully you’ll realize…Curses!  Foiled Again!

Request #5 deals with the private residential property of the other man who ran against Myron, former Councilman Kenny DeFillipo.  Let’s see now…  The three way race ended in a runoff between Myron and George.  When Kenny lost, he enthusiastically threw his support behind George.  Kenny asked all his own supporters to vote for George, which apparently they did.  YEAH, BABY!  It only stands to reason that Myron is out to get even with Kenny for helping oust him from office.  What a dumbass!  Hey, Myron!  Curses!  Foiled Again!

The most curious thing, however, about all of Myron’s public records requests, is that the Building Department charged him for only “2 hours of staff time” at $11.00 per hour.  Considering that my sources told me he spent days on end at City Hall, one has to wonder if he somehow bullied the staff into agreeing to charge him for just two hours.  Yes, very curious indeed.  And, while I’m at it, I’d sure love to know what “staff” in the Building Department works for only $11.00 per hour.  Guess I’ll have to follow up on that, too.  Jeez, a Gadfly’s work is never done.

While Myron keeps trying to get back at all his enemies, which should keep him busy for the next decade or so, the residents of North Miami Beach are just trying to live their lives and make it through this horrendous recession.  The rest of us aren’t fortunate to have so much free time on our hands.  Obviously, Myron’s business must not be doing too well or he wouldn’t, either.  What a freaking shame, eh?

So you can see, folks, that Myron is still up to no good.  He is still facing charges against him by the Florida Elections Commission for alleged campaign finance fraud.  He still has to answer to the Code Board for the numerous violations on his property.  And, he’s still an asshole.

As the bio above reads, “Snidely Whiplash: enemy to Canada, or just a guy with a weird fetish?”  Yeah, that about sums it up.

Stephanie Kienzle
“Spreading the Wealth”