The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”
– President Ronald Reagan

I hereby take back any nice things I’ve ever said about Broward County.  Well, I should say the GOVERNMENT of Broward County.  In all my years of driving in South Florida, I have never had a more frustrating experience than dealing with the office of Howard C. Forman, Clerk of Court of Broward County, Florida.  Compared to Broward County, Miami-Dade County government is a model of efficiency.

My nightmare started on June 14, 2012 when I was stopped by Trooper H.E. Gracey of the Florida Highway Patrol.  This officer couldn’t have been nicer and more patient while I searched frantically for my current vehicle registration, which should have been in the glove box of my car.  As it turns out, my tags were expired because my husband never received the renewal notice last September.  All this time I had been driving with expired tags and never realized it.  Trooper Gracey gave me a citation for expired tags, but what I didn’t notice at the time was that he also gave me a citation for “no proof of insurance.”  Fortunately, I did have proof of insurance and I did present it to him, but he obviously didn’t realize it was a current insurance card.  First thing next morning, my husband went to a local tag agency, purchased a new tag and I was good to go.

On June 15, 2012, the day after I was cited, I went to the Clerk’s office at the Broward County Courthouse in downtown Fort Lauderdale to pay my fines.  The citations were $10.00 each.  Even though I had insurance and could have fought the citation for “no proof of insurance,” I chose to simply pay it and get it over with instead of dealing with an additional hassle.  I figured Broward County could use the donation.  (In retrospect, I see that a budget shortfall is the least of Broward’s problems.)

As it turns out, no good deed goes unpunished.

I was told the tickets “weren’t in the system yet,” and that I should simply mail them to the Clerk with proof of registration and insurance, and a check for $20.00.  I did exactly that and sent it by Certified Mail.  So far, so good, right?

HAH!  We are dealing with a Governmental Agency.  If anything can go wrong, trust me, it will.

I received a letter back from Howard C. Forman, Clerk of Circuit and County Courts, with all my documentation and check attached, advising me that the citations were STILL not in their system, suggesting that I check with the Clerk’s office weekly to see if the citations were filed.  My letter and all attachments were mailed back, stamped as received by the Clerk of the Circuit and County Courts on June 18, 2012.

On July 10, 2012, the citations were FINALLY “in the system!”  I was advised to send in my payment before July 17, 2012 to avoid late fees!  I again sent the entire package and check, with a new cover letter explaining all.  Again, I sent it Certified Mail and got the green receipt card back.

You would think that would be the end of it, right?

HAH!  Two words:  Governmental Agency.

On Friday, July 20, 2012, I received a letter from the Clerk of the Circuit and County Courts, advising me that although they received my payment of $20.00 for the two citations, the amount was incorrect, and that I still owed $105.00!  WTF?  I immediately called the Clerk’s office and told that I owed more money because…

MY PAYMENT WAS LATE!!!

You read that correctly!  Two $10.00 citations, for which I had been TRYING to pay since June 15, 2012, but which the Clerk’s office would not accept, were now going to cost me $125.00 because they they’re now telling me I’M LATE IN PAYING THEM!

Like I said, when you deal with a Governmental Agency, if something can go wrong it will.

On Monday, July 23, 2012, I shlepped myself to the Broward County Courthouse located at 100 North Pine Island Road in Lauderhill, which is where my “case” was being adjudicated, in order to straighten out the mess.  Or, so I thought that’s what I was doing.  I took a number and waited.  And waited.  My number was finally called and I was called up to speak with a clerk behind a barred window, who advised me that I now owed $128.00.  I guess in Broward County, late fees accrue BY THE FREAKING MINUTE!

After much “discussion,” it was determined that the $105.00 fee was for the lack of vehicle registration, which I conceded that I owed.  Since I already paid $10.00 for the fine, the difference of $95.00 was due.  No problem.

However, the citation for “no proof of insurance” was going to cost me even more fees, including:  $7.00 for clearance (whatever the hell that is), A DELINQUENT FEE of $16.00, and a “Clerk Dismiss” fee of $10.00.  This was on top of the $10.00 I already paid, for a grand total of $43.00 FOR A CITATION I SHOULD NEVER HAVE RECEIVED IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Showing the clerk AND her supervisor proof that the Clerk of Circuit and County Courts had received the proof of my insurance on June 18, 2012, AS EVIDENCED BY THE CLERK’S OWN DATED STAMP, got me nowhere.  This woman and her supervisor insisted I owed the late fee, despite the fact that I TRIED TO PAY IT SINCE JUNE 15, 2012!

OMIGOD, I’m sorry for SCREAMING, but it was like talking to a f***ing wall.  In fact, walls are more intelligent than the people in the Broward County Clerk’s office!

As a matter of f***ing principle, I requested a court date to fight the citation for “no proof of insurance.”  Instead of taking my ten freaking dollars as a donation, which they obviously are more in need of than I am, I want my FORTY THREE DOLLARS back.  It doesn’t belong them.  I have insurance.  I have ALWAYS had insurance.  And I should never have gotten that citation in the first freaking place!

Since I’m obviously not going to hire an attorney to get back $43.00, I’ll pull a “Myron” and represent myself.  Hopefully I won’t need bail.  If I do, I’m calling you.

Epilogue:  Never underestimate the incompetence of a Governmental Agency.

Just yesterday on July 30, 2012, I received a notice from the State of Florida, Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles, Division of Motorist Services, entitled “Order of Suspension.”

Needless to say, I immediately started screaming and throwing things around the kitchen.  The cats ran for safety.  Finally, after I calmed myself down, I read that my license was scheduled to be suspended on August 16, 2012 unless I presented proof of insurance and paid the fine for the Citation That Won’t Die.

I just got off the phone with a very nice man named Hector from the DHSMV (after waiting on hold for over 20 minutes), who advised me that they received proof of payment and that this pending suspension “has been lifted.”

Just because I STILL have this need to proclaim my innocence, for the umpteenth time I explained to Hector that I have insurance, that I have always had insurance, and that I should never have gotten this ticket in the first place, even though he didn’t give a crap.  I also told Hector that I’m going to court to get my $43.00 back.  He wished me good luck with that and to have a nice day.

The moral of the story is:  My experiences in dealing with one Governmental Agency or another in my lifetime have led me to the conclusion that, with very…very few exceptions, there is almost nothing a government does that can’t be done better by the private sector.  This fiasco with Broward County only reinforced that belief.

I have also learned that President Reagan was right.  If the Government shows up at your door to “help,” don’t answer the bell.

Stephanie Kienzle
“Spreading the Wealth”