A North Miami Beach resident I’ll call Shizam (in order to protect his identity in the interest of Civility) missed his calling. He should have been a “reporter” for The National Enquirer or The Weekly World News. Alas, he’s yet to be discovered. Let me lend a hand.
In the past couple of weeks Shizam’s been writing up a storm, sending out his stories far and wide on an almost daily basis, in blog-like fashion. Damn shame he doesn’t have a webmaster so he could publish his Pearls of Wisdom on the internet for all the world to enjoy. Guess Shizam will just have to settle for being a public record in the annals of the City of North Miami Beach. His posturings are worthy of publication, so I thought I’d be charitable and spread his wealth.
A recent email Shizam sent to the City Council (with blind copies to probably every email he’s ever been able to collect) was entitled “Is North Miami Beach elected officials promoting the spread of AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome)?” Aside from the obvious grammatical error, that title was meant to catch the reader’s eye, much like the outlandish headlines emblazoned on the likes of The Weekly World News designed to jump out at unwitting shoppers waiting in line to check out at Publix. Seriously, how many times have you stopped dead in your tracks while loading your groceries onto the conveyor belt by espying shocking headlines like “UFO BASE FOUND IN HIMALAYAS”? Or, “KIM KARDASHIAN’S BUTT EXPLODES”? Or, my personal favorite, “BIDEN ENDORSES ROMNEY FOR PRESIDENT!”? Now, THAT would be worth a trip to the RNC Convention!
Well, in ShizamWorld, the passing of an Ordinance allowing alcohol to be sold in strip clubs is akin to the Council spreading AIDS.
In a follow up email to defend his outrageous accusation (and to write his version of a blog about the most recent city council meeting), Shizam attempted to quote our City Code, Chapter XIII, Adult Entertainment, by stating that “the exposure of nude employees poses a threat to the health of both employees and customers and promotes the spread of communicable and social diseases.”
What Shizam neglected to mention was the ENTIRE SENTENCE, notably Chapter XIII, Section 13.6, paragraph l., which states, “Physical contact within establishments at which the activities described in paragraphs a. and b. occur between employees exhibiting specified anatomical areas and customers poses a threat to the health of both and promotes the spread of communicable and social diseases.”
Under the same Section, paragraph r. states, “Straddle dancing in establishments poses a threat to the health of the participants and promotes the spread of communicable and social diseases.”
Shizam missed his second calling: Propagandist to the Masses! By taking an entire passage of the City’s Code out of context, purposely deleting key phrases such as “physical contact” and “straddle dancing,” he would have you believe that by witnessing naked men or women dancing at a strip club, you are AT RISK FOR AIDS just by being in the room.
Especially if you’re drinking alcohol.
When the first AIDS cases presented in the early 1980s, people were understandably scared of what appeared to be a death sentence. In the thirty years since this disease has been around, scientists and medical researchers have literally worked miracles to not only help prevent the spread of the HIV virus, which causes AIDS, but to also extend the life expectancies of those who are infected. Newer and more powerful drugs are being created constantly to help those with HIV live normal and productive lives. Most importantly, by now the public has been well educated about how the virus is spread and HOW IT IS NOT SPREAD.
News Flash: AIDS is not spread by watching nude dancers. It’s also not spread by drinking alcohol.
Even more astounding, it is impossible to “spread AIDS” by watching nude dancers and drinking alcohol at the same time.
In an even bigger stretch of the imagination, Shizam wrote, “We learnt from the strip club unofficial spokes person, Councilwoman Barbara Kramer, displaying a handful of pages, stating, she have in her hands those applications stating nudity and alcohol will be together. She cannot vote against this if we have been doing this all along, she whimpered. Guessing if it was left up to her, Marty King [former city employee who embezzled $2.6 million] would have been a free man today. He was not caught for years, but when he finally got caught, her thinking would be, he had been doing this for years, why charge him now?”
Let’s see. According to Shizam’s convoluted “logic,” a business inadvertently violating a City Code because the Code had never been enforced by previous administrations is the EXACT SAME THING as Marty King’s intentional breaking of Federal RICO laws, for which he’s currently serving a twelve year sentence. I guess if Shizam had his way, the owners of our three strip clubs would be sharing a bunk in good old Marty’s cell. Doesn’t that make perfect sense to you? Um, yeah.
Shizam went on to attack all the council members except Mr. Derose and Ms. Martell. Somehow they didn’t piss him off that night. Door prizes to both.
As much as I love a good slam on L’il Frantzie P, Shizam told the councilman that “[h]e was in support of the Ordinance which will allow naked men and women to “serve” their drunken prey,…..sorry,….. drunken patrons, and according to CITY CODES, can spread communicable and social diseases,” with the caveat, “Mind you, I am only relating what the Ordinance will allow and what NORTH MIAMI BEACH City Codes stated, is a likely outcome.”
The Propaganda King once again rewrote the City Code to suit his own agenda.
To the Mayor, Shizam wrote, “Mayor Vallejo again said he will not tell a business how to run their business. Mind you, when Mayor Vallejo use our roads, he has to follow the road rules like everyone else, or face the consequences. It is not that he is without limits. Like everything else, their should be limits and restrictions. Strip Clubs should be no different.”
Because everyone knows that obeying PUBLIC LAWS is the exact same thing as refraining from micromanaging someone’s PRIVATE BUSINESS. That’s like comparing apples to oranges. Or, as Shizam is so fond of saying, “putting square pegs in round holes.” Neither will work.
While I’m certainly no fan of councilwoman Phyllis Smith (and to whom Shizam, refusing to look in the mirror again, apologized for MY vulgar behavior in a recent email), Shizam had this to say to her, “Phyllis Smith who was a huge advocate for “steering our city in a direction where we would all feel proud”, was a huge disappointment and let down. She told us she is not afraid of a lawsuit, but cannot bear for anyone to loose their job from these strip clubs.”
I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t bear for anyone to LOSE his job, either. (OH, THAT MISSPELLING DRIVES ME BONKERS!)
In the same breath that Shizam said, “I would ask we be civil towards each other irrespective where we stand on issues,” he slammed Councilwoman Beth Spiegel for the way she “snapped and shouted” at the City Manager, telling her, “It would be nice, but I do not expect it, for Councilwoman Beth Spiegel to apologize to Mr. Bonner for shouting at him during a council meeting on August 7th. This behavior is uncalled for and it needs to stop immediately!”
Because Shizam is the self-appointed Manners Police, who has the right to make everyone behave. With the exception of himself, of course.
But, Mr. Manners feels free to slam the council members, former State Senator Ron Silver, and former North Miami Mayor Kevin Burns for not agreeing with him that morality, specifically his morality, should be legislated.
Shizam will also tell you that if the government can ban smoking in PUBLIC places, our local Council can ban PRIVATE business like strip clubs.
Apples, meet oranges. Or, in ShizamSpeak, square pegs, meet round holes.
Shizam will also tell you that men who go to strip clubs (or “brothels,” as he is so fond of calling them) will turn into rapists, and that strip club patrons “come out intoxicated and kill our cyclists, our kids and our productive work force.” Of course, he has absolutely no evidence, anecdotal or otherwise, to back up these outrageously false claims. But, in ShizamWorld, these things are FACTS. Because he said so!
Between the lines, Shizam also criticized me for criticizing him. And for being “uncivil.” And for asking him to back up his blanket accusations with actual proof. No proof has been forthcoming.
As Shizam started to wrap up his summary of the last council meeting, he spoke about the negotiations between the city and the employees, which he deems is an epic fail. He wrote, “Come up with something workable or face the council who are for strip club workers who support garbage, but will more than likely vote against city workers who get rid of garbage.”
Okaaaay. That made perfect sense, huh? Whatever.
Despite the many criticisms Shizam generously doled out, he ended his “report” by writing, “The meeting for the night went well, …..mostly. Mayor Vallejo allowed comments for Ordinance on First reading. This is good. Don’t know how long he will keep it up. The broken law does NOT compel this to happen. A difference between him and some of the previous mayors that preferred Kim Ill Jong style.”
Ah, yes. Ever so civil.
“Spreading the Wealth”